The 5 stages of grief

When I first lost my voice completely, I went into what I call my survivor mode. I dove into sign language we practiced those flashcards religiously. Any sadness I pushed away. It was Covid and being around people was not an option. So, talking was not so missed. However, it didn’t take long for my version of the five stages of grief to start. And they didn’t come in order or take their turn. 

1. Denial -For me this is not accepting this is my new reality. It is when I slowdown in my focus of ASL and all focus is on getting my voice back and finding a new doctor or figuring out the cause.

2. Anger - This is my constant companion. I’m sure I’ve taken a few years off of my life because of anger.  What and who vary. 

3. Bargaining - What a funny idea to bargain for my voice. But when you’re desperate you do things you never expect. So, I have relived my past wondering, what I’ve done what I could have done. I’ll change, I’ll never do this or that. No reasonableness in this one. This one can get dark as everything negative that has happened in my life replays and somehow, I find links that feed my denial stage and before it’s finished will push me into the depression stage. 

4. Depression - This is inevitable. It comes in waves or like a tsunami.

5. Acceptance - Once in a while I think okay, I can be mute. I can’t even type that with full acceptance. Nope not there. I hate when people try to pep talk me and say, “God will give your voice back in the future “. Not encouraging.